What Your Communication Reveals About the Health of Your Relationship

The 5 Warning Signs Most People Miss (and how to transform them)

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Have you ever watched a couple interact and immediately sensed something was "off" - even if you couldn't put your finger on exactly what it was? 

That's exactly what happened when my wife and I spent time with a couple at a recent event. What started as a casual conversation quickly became a masterclass in relationship dynamics, communication patterns, and the unconscious ways we reveal the health of our partnerships.

While it could have been easy to judge this couple for their communication patterns, we used it as a mirror to reflect on our own past patterns and growth.

The Couple 

Picture this: A sweet couple, clearly in love, asking me for relationship advice. We just met. They know what I do for work, so they're excited to get some insights about mindful communication and connection. Let's call them Brittany and Mario.

But here's what happened...the husband, Mario, tried to share a story...

Wife: "No, that's not how it happened."
Husband: "Can you let me just finish what I'm saying?"
Wife: "You're making me look bad."

This cycle repeated throughout the day in different ways, over and over. And while they thought they were asking me for help with surface-level communication issues, what we were witnessing was so much deeper.

Red Flag #1: The Constant Corrector

What it looks like: The person who consistently interrupts, corrects details, or takes over storytelling from the other.

What it reveals: This isn't about accuracy, it's about control and fear. The Constant Corrector is usually managing their own anxiety about how they're being perceived by others.

The deeper pattern: When you constantly correct someone, you're unconsciously teaching everyone around you (including your loved one) that they can't be trusted to communicate effectively. Ouch.

I was absolutely guilty of this early in my marriage. I would interrupt my wife's stories to "fix" details or add context, thinking I was being helpful. What I was actually doing was undermining her credibility and managing my own discomfort with imperfection. (I'm a former perfectionist and overachiever in recovery.)

Red Flag #2: Nonverbal Dismissal

What it looks like: Eye rolling, smirking, laughing dismissively, or other body language that puts your partner down, even when you're not saying anything out loud.

What it reveals: Your body language will speak the truth, even when you're words are trying to "behave."

The deeper pattern: Nonverbal dismissal tells the other person it isn't safe to express themselves authentically.

Even when the wife, Brittany, stopped verbally interrupting, her body language continued to communicate disapproval. Her husband picked up on it immediately: "Babe, you're still doing it." She couldn't even help herself; the conditioning was deep.

Red Flag #3: Hyperactive Impression Management

What it looks like: Being more concerned with how your relationship appears (ego) to others than how it actually feels to both partners.

What it reveals: When impression management becomes more important than authentic connection, you're operating from ego rather than love.

The deeper pattern: This creates a dynamic where both partners are performing their relationship instead of living it. This can easily create distance and make it harder to find your way "back to each other."

I remember Brittany saying, "You're making me look like I'm crazy." But the truth was, their disconnected communication was making them both look disconnected, not because of what he was saying, but because of how they were interacting with each other.

Red Flag #4: The Unheard Partner

What it looks like: One person repeatedly expressing that they just want to be heard, seen, or understood.

What it reveals: This is often the person who has learned to shut down or withdraw because their attempts at mindful communication are consistently met with correction, dismissal, or control.

The deeper pattern: When someone doesn't feel heard in their relationships, they'll often seek that validation elsewhere, or they'll shut down entirely.

Mario's main request was simple: "I just want to be heard by my wife." This wasn't about winning arguments or being right; he just wanted to feel valued and respected by his partner.

Red Flag #5: Defensiveness

What it looks like: Immediately defending, explaining, or justifying when someone expresses frustration with your communication style.

What it reveals: Defensiveness blocks learning and growth. It prioritizes being right over getting it right (which fosters real connection).

The deeper pattern: When we get defensive, we're usually protecting an old wound or insecurity rather than responding to what's actually happening in the present moment.

The Breakthrough Moment

When we gently pointed out these patterns to the couple, the wife's initial response was defensive. But once she could see that this wasn't about attacking her character, she was able to soften and actually hear what her husband was trying to communicate.

After spending the day with this couple and reflecting on our own journey, I was reminded of the core pain points that drive these communication patterns:

For the "Controller" (often the one interrupting):

• Fear of being perceived as imperfect or flawed
• Anxiety about how others perceive them or the relationships
• Unconscious belief that they're responsible for managing everyone's experience
• Often struggling with feeling out of control in other areas of life

For the one feeling "Unheard"

• Feeling invisible or unimportant, unseen

• Learning to shut down to avoid conflict (unsafe)

• Craving respect and validation from their partner

• Often carrying resentment from repeated experiences of being dismissed

How to Transform These Patterns

Step 1: Metacommunication (Communicate About Your Communication)

• Most friends or couples never actually discuss how they communicate. They just react to each other's patterns without understanding what's driving them.

Try this: Set aside time to have a conversation about your communication styles. Ask questions like:

• "How do you feel when I interrupt you?"
• "What do you need from me when you're telling a story?"
• "How can we handle disagreements about details in front of others?"

Step 2: Address the Underlying Fears

• The surface behaviors (interrupting, eye-rolling, defensiveness) are just symptoms. The real work is addressing what's underneath.

For controllers: Examine your relationship with perfectionism and how others perceive you. Practice letting go of managing outcomes.

For the unheard: Practice using your voice and setting boundaries instead of shutting down or withdrawing.

Step 3: Create New Agreements

• Once you understand each other's patterns and triggers, create conscious agreements about how you want to communicate.

Some Practical Examples:

• "If you want to add to my story, wait until I'm finished and then say, 'Can I add something?'"
• "If I'm getting defensive, you can say 'pause' and we'll take a breather before continuing."
• "We agree that being connected is more important than being right about details."

Step 4: Practice the Pause

• Most dysfunctional communication happens when we're reactive rather than responsive. Learning to pause before speaking can transform your entire dynamic.

When you notice yourself wanting to interrupt, correct, or defend, take three deep breaths and ask yourself: "What is my ego seeking? Validation? Praise? Or approval?" The ego is almost always after one of those things. Another BIG thing that helps with creating the pause, MEDITATION! Yeah, yeah. I know people always tell me, "I can't do it." "It's not for me." "I'm not very good at it." It's all excuses. How do I know this? Because I used to say the same thing.

The truth is, it's uncomfortable to sit still. We don't understand the value of stillness in our society, but I promise you, it will help. Here are a few meditations to get you started on my YouTube channel.

The Side Effect of Awareness

Once you see these patterns, you can't unsee them. And that awareness is the beginning of real transformation. The couple we spent time with wasn't broken - they were just unconscious. They loved each other deeply but had fallen into reactive patterns that were creating disconnection.

The same is true for most of us.

We're not bad partners, friends, co-workers...we're just operating from old programming, unhealed wounds, and unconscious fears. But when we bring mindfulness to our communication, everything can change. Your intimate relationships are the greatest mirrors you'll ever have. They reflect back your patterns, your triggers, your growth edges, and your capacity for love.

The invitation isn't to judge yourself, but to get curious.

When you transform your communication patterns, it doesn't just change your interpersonal relationship - it changes everything! Your children learn healthier ways of relating. Your friendships deepen. Your nervous system becomes more regulated.

You become a model for mindful communication and leadership in a world that desperately needs it.

A Final Thought

The couple we observed that day gave us a gift; they reminded us how far we've come and how important this work is. They also reminded us that love isn't enough if we don't know how to communicate that love in ways our partner can receive it.

Your relationships have the potential to be your greatest teacher. The question isn't whether you have communication patterns that need attention; we all do! The question is: Are you willing to see them and do something about it?

P.S. If this resonated with you, share it with a friend who might need this reminder too. And when you're ready, here’s how we can work together:

1. Breakthrough Session - Get tailored guidance for removing emotional and mental blocks keeping you in survival mode. Limited spots available.
2. Mindless to Mindful Academy - Take your learning deeper by embodying the teachings with my online courses, workbooks, meditations, and LIVE calls with me each month!
3. Leadership Training - I'll create a customized workshop for your team to better enhance their communication and emotional intelligence, so you can spend more time hitting your goals and less time dealing with conflict.