Rock Bottom is Where Magic Will Find You

It was the summer of 2011, I was living with my parents in my childhood bedroom at 24 years old, sleeping on a twin-size bed, wondering how someone who did "everything right" ends up here. 

Earlier that spring, I was finally finishing up graduate school, so happy to have my life stop revolving around school. And then during my comprehensive exams (where you're tested on years of knowledge), I went through a gut-wrenching breakup and almost didn't graduate.

This wasn't just a "messy breakup" where both people said not nice things. This was the kind that completely blindsides you, the type of breakup you (nor your friends or family) saw coming. We had been dating for ~1.5 years and were planning all this future stuff together.

And then she stopped picking up my calls, returning my texts, and broke up with me in an EMAIL.

Yup, an email.

To say the least, I experienced depression for the first time. Prior to that, I didn't think depression was real; I thought it was just "in your head." But I, someone who's been a high performer my entire life, was literally struggling to get out of bed and eat food every day.

Fast forward post-graduation:

• I couldn't get a job.
• I couldn't keep up with my bills.
• Had to defer my student loans because I literally couldn't afford them.
• I was living with my parents on a twin-size bed in my childhood room.

Then found myself in some random office job as an admin to pay for my phone bill, gas, and food. But my boss ended up being a psychopath who was psychologically and verbally abusive. I put up with it for a while for the money, until I couldn't anymore.

Quit that job. Went back to my old college job in parks and recreation, which paid maybe $12 an hour.

I was at rock bottom. Feeling like I was going backwards in my life, not forward. Then one day, I was eating my homemade lunch in the breakroom when one of my colleagues (and good friend) asked me, "You want to go to the Ellen DeGeneres show with me? I'm going to put my name in the lottery."

"Sure," I said, not thinking much of it, other than just a good time with one of my good friends.

Little did I know this random Tuesday lunch conversation would teach me a huge lesson I'd carry with me for the rest of my life. 

And then a few weeks later, she texted me, "Good news and bad news. We got 4 tickets, but they're standby tickets. So we may not even get in. Do you still want to go?"

I had nothing better going on, so why not? Worst case, we'd drive out to Burbank, spend hours in line, but be in good company and share some laughs.

We all took the day off from work, just a bunch of 24 year olds piled into a Honda Civic, venturing our way into the city with high hopes and optimism. When we got there, as expected, we went through a long process of waiting and waiting some more. Finally, we were being escorted to the studio where they were filming. We exchanged glances, thinking, "Omg, maybe we will get in?" As we sat there in the overflow area, there were TVs everywhere. We could see the audience members with actual tickets sitting inside the filming area.

Then we saw 3 production assistants walk over to our line, talking on the radio about how many seats they had to fill for no-shows, shuffling people around in the audience, checking camera angles.

We inched closer and closer to the front of the standby line, holding our breath, hoping to be chosen. Also, knowing that not ALL of us may get in. They first selected me and my friend Nang, and we turned to the boys, wishing them good luck.

I remember walking into the sound stage, in awe of the setup. The cameras, the lights fixed overhead, and just feeling the electricity in the room. They sat us right in the center, we were so giddy but tried to play it cool. 

"I really hope the boys get in," said Nang. "I know, me too," I replied.

The music then began to play, and the audience was on their feet dancing. We looked at each other again, a little disappointed our friends hadn't gotten in and were stuck in the overflow room. But then at the very last minute, we saw them both get escorted inside. We were literally the last 4 people they let into the taping!

When Ellen came out, she didn't start the show right away. She began to tell us that today would be an unusual experience because they'd have to tape differently today. Instead of a full show, it would be two different parts of 2 different episodes. She apologized that we weren't going to get the full experience of an entire show. Then she said…

"So, because you're not getting the full experience today, and I know so many of you go out of your way to arrange to be here, I want to make it up to you by inviting you back for another episode…(moment of silence) for one of our 12 DAYS OF GIVEAWAYS!"

The famous Christmas song by Andy Williams began to blare, "It's the most wonderful time of the year." Everyone lost their mind. I mean-LOST-their-minds!!! Including us, haha. Those tickets were so hard to get! We all felt like we just won the lottery!

When December rolled around, and it was time for us to finally head back to LA for the 12 days of giveaways, we wanted to make Ellen a funny gift because we saw at the first taping that people brought gifts and cards to express their gratitude. So we sat there in the living room, brainstorming and arguing over what we should do. The goal was to create something unique enough that it'd solicit some type of response back from Ellen or even get us featured on the show.

Finally, we decided to create obnoxiously GIANT Christmas stockings with Ellen's and Portia's names…thinking MAYBE we could get them to use it on the set. Who did we think we were? I don't know, haha. I chalk it up to being delusional 24-year-olds with too much free time on our hands.

So we took a trip to Michaels, bought a bunch of felt, hot glue guns, and got to work! We literally spent hours making these by hand, using all the skills we had accumulated over our years of doing arts and crafts as recreation leaders.

And what do you know…our delusions CAME TRUE! The production crew called us after the taping to let us know they were going to feature our gift on a segment.

On December 8th (just days after we'd been there), Ellen DeGeneres said all our names on air as she thanked us and poked fun at the ridiculousness of the gift. Mission accomplished! You can watch the moment here at the 2:48 mark.

While that was such a fun treat for us to watch on TV, the real treat for me was the ABUNDANCE of gifts we got at the actual giveaway taping. While I can't remember all of the gifts, I do remember these for specific reasons…

• Pair of Chuck Taylors = I actually needed new shoes
• Restaurant Gift Cards = I couldn't afford to eat out at the time, so this was fun to share with friends
• $500 Macy's Gift Card = This allowed me to buy Christmas gifts for my immediate family and some new "professional" clothes for myself. The only pair of nice slacks I had was getting a hole, literally hanging by a thread.
• iPad 2 = Could never afford something like this before. I remember using it at work and feeling so fancy, haha.
• Beats by Dre Headphones = I never had headphones this expensive. I remember feeling weird using them in the beginning, not wanting to break them.

All of these little gifts (and the ones I can't remember) felt like someone had given me a small life raft after being at sea, treading water all year long. I felt so grateful for the unexpected help, the unexpected joy I was able to experience when I shared these gifts with my friends and family. All because I said YES to a "random" invitation.

I look back at this version of me 14 years ago, and I'm in awe of her. In awe of the way she hustled, the way she kept pushing despite all the setbacks. I am so grateful for her because without her, I wouldn't have the life I have now.

But back then, I carried a TON of shame. Soooo much shame.

I felt embarrassed that, despite having multiple degrees, I couldn't get my career going. I felt a constant anxiety about the low number in my bank account each month when I paid my bills. I felt confused by the fact that I had been working so hard and had nothing to show for it.

I began to think maybe something was wrong with me. Maybe I was the problem. Maybe life wasn't working out because I was inherently unworthy of having more than this. The worst part? I was too ashamed to tell anyone how I was really doing.

It breaks my heart to think those were once thoughts that occupied space in my mind.

I wish I could go back in time and tell her, hang in there kid. I know you don't know this yet, but you're actually laying the foundation for a fabulous f*cking life. One you couldn't have dreamt up even if you tried. You're going to travel all over the world, meet incredible people, speak on stages with people who were once your teachers, marry an incredibly supportive and gorgeous human, have a cute little doggie together, and be the best auntie to an army of nieces/nephews who are obsessed with you. Just hang in there, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Trust yourself. Love yourself. And know that you're already doing it. You have nothing to prove to anyone. You already are enough.

Looking back now, I can see what that year was actually teaching me, even though I couldn't see it then:

• Graduate school showed me how much I can accomplish when I keep trying and stay focused, even when it feels impossible...even when it feels like I'm not good enough.
• The breakup taught me forgiveness - of myself for not seeing it coming, and of her for how she handled it. Sometimes people hurt us because of their own pain, not because we deserved it.
• The Ellen experience showed me that help and magic can come from the most unexpected places. That saying YES to small invitations can lead to something bigger than you imagined.

But here's the thing - I couldn't have learned any of this if I hadn't been willing to keep showing up, even when it felt like everything was falling apart.

And I guess in some ways, I do get to go back in time to talk to her. Because every now and then, when I have a slow month in my business…when an unexpected expense happens…when a project falls through...the old scarcity programming inside me gets activated…and sometimes I can feel her panic for me when she asks, "Are we going to be okay?"

I turn to her with a gentle smile and say:

"Yes, we're going to be okay. I don't know how it'll all work out, but I do know we will be okay. We have everything we need right now. I got you."

Learning to speak to myself with compassion didn't happen overnight; it is an accumulation of tons of healing through tons of different modalities over many, many years. The inner dialogue I had before was patronizing, condescending, and full of contempt. Wild, right? Considering what I now do for work…teaching emotional regulation, subconscious reprogramming, and how to cultivate a life that feels true to who you are. It's night and day. But that's why I'm so visciously passionate about it…because I know change is possible. I've literally done it myself. I was patient 0. I had to heal her first. And I did. And the journey isn't over. I believe this evolution continues until our physical form perishes and we transcend into whatever is in store after this.

I felt like sharing this chapter of my life with you in case you're in the middle of your own 2011. A heartbreak. A financial struggle. A shame storm. An identity crisis. Maybe all of the above. Whatever it is, I just want you to know you're not alone. It's not mathematically possible. There is someone just like you, going through it. And there are people and invisible forces ready to help you, if you'll make just enough room to let them in.

There's a Rumi quote that says, "The wound is the place where the light enters you."

Meaning the pains in life are not there to punish you, they're there as a passage, a portal to another way of being. And I believe the Universe will keep giving them to you until you choose differently. Because whatever is "up there" orchestrating all the moving parts of the 8 billion people on this one rock in the sky…will never give up on you, even when you've given up on yourself. And even if you don't believe there's an intelligence beyond the 3D, there's another human on this planet who wants to see you win. Because if YOU win…it means they can too.

So let me go ahead and be that person for you right now. No matter where you are in your journey, a peak or a valley, I'm rooting for you. Because when your light shines in the world, we all benefit. There is enough for ALL of us to win. And because I love Rumi quotes so much, I'm going to leave you with ONE more…

"If everything around you seems dark, look again, you may be the light."