When conflict shows up in your relationship, do you find yourself shutting down? Getting defensive? Throwing out sarcastic jabs or blanket accusations like "You never listen!" or "You're so selfish"?

If so, you’re not alone. Annnnd... you're definitely not doomed.

Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading researchers on relationships, identified four specific communication patterns that, if left unchecked, can predict the breakdown of a relationship with over 90% accuracy! He calls them, "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."

Let’s break them down.

1. Criticism: Attacking a partner's character or personality instead of addressing specific behaviors.
   • "You never do anything right."
   • "You're always so lazy and unmotivated."
   • "You don't care about me or our relationship." 

2. Contempt: Displaying disrespect through sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, or sneering.
   • Sarcastic comments: "Oh, you're finally cleaning the kitchen? Must be a special occasion."
   • Name-calling: "You're such an idiot when it comes to finances."
   • Mockery: "Oh, you're 'too tired' to go out again, just like every other time."
3. Defensiveness: Self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or playing the victim. Often a response to criticism.
   • Counterattacking: "I'm not late all the time; you're just too uptight about time!"
   • Playing the victim: "It's always my fault, isn't it? You never look at what you're doing wrong."
   • Making excuses: "It's not my fault I forgot our about the appointment; I've been slammed at work."
4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be "neutral," but it conveys disapproval, distance, and separation.
   • Withdrawing from a conversation: Turning away, not responding, or leaving the room during a disagreement.
   • Silent treatment: Refusing to answer or acknowledge the partner.
   • Engaging in distractions during an argument: Focusing on a phone, TV, or other activities instead of the conversation.

Just as Gottman identified the Four Horsemen, he and his team also outlined antidotes! Specific, research-backed shifts in communication that can turn conflict into connection. And when you add a layer of mindful awareness? These shifts become even more powerful!

The Four Antidotes

1. Criticism → “I Statements”

   1. Talk about your feelings using 'I' statements and express a positive need.

2. Contempt → Cultivate a culture of appreciation.

   1. Remind yourself of your partner's positive qualities and find gratitude for positive actions.

3. Defensiveness → Take responsibility.

   1. Acknowledge your part in the conflict and discuss solutions.

4. Stonewalling → Take a break

   1. Spend some time doing something soothing and distracting from the conflict at hand.

Mindful Communication Phrases You Can Use

The truth is, most of us were never taught how to communicate in a way that’s clear, kind, and connected. So we repeat what we’ve seen, doing the best with what we know.

But it doesn’t have to stay that way. Below are some simple mindful phrases you can save directly in your phone. Copy, paste them into a note!

Criticism is when you attack your partner’s character instead of addressing a specific behavior. It often sounds like blame or accusation: “You always…” or “You never…”

• Negative: "You never do anything right."
• Positive: "I feel stressed when tasks are unfinished. Could we discuss a way to manage these tasks together?"
  
  
• Negative: "You're always so lazy and unmotivated."
• Positive: "I've noticed you've been less active lately. Is there something on your mind, or how can I support you?"
   
• Negative: "You don't care about me or our relationship."
• Positive: "I've been feeling a bit disconnected. Can we talk about ways to strengthen our connection?"

Contempt shows up as sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, or name-calling. It sends the message, “I’m better than you,” and is the most toxic of the four Horsemen.

• Sarcastic Comments: "Oh, you're finally cleaning the kitchen? Must be a special occasion."
• Positive: "I appreciate it when you clean the kitchen. It means a lot to me."
  
  
• Name-Calling: "You're such an idiot when it comes to finances."
• Positive: "Let's sit down together and look at our finances. I think teamwork could really help us."
  
  
• Mockery: "Oh, you're 'too tired' to go out again, just like every other time."
• Positive: "I understand you're tired. Let's find a time when we're both feeling up for going out." or “I understand you’re tired. How about I go to the birthday party for both of us, and we can catch up when I get back tonight?

Defensiveness is a way of self-protecting by shifting blame, making excuses, or playing the victim. It blocks accountability and escalates conflict.

• Counterattacking: "I'm not late all the time; you're just too uptight about time."
• Positive: "I realize I've been late a few times. Let's work out a plan to help me be more punctual."
  
  
• Playing the Victim: "It's always my fault, isn't it? You never look at what you're doing wrong."
• Positive: "I feel overwhelmed when blamed. Can we discuss this calmly?"
  
  
• Making Excuses: "It's not my fault I forgot our anniversary; I've been really busy at work."
• Positive: "I'm sorry I forgot our anniversary. It's important, and I'll make it up to you."

Stonewalling happens when one person emotionally shuts down, withdraws, or goes silent during conflict. It might feel like “staying neutral,” but it creates disconnection.

• Instead of Withdrawing:
  • "I can't talk about this right now. I need some time to think." (Taking a break but indicating a willingness to return to the conversation.)

• Instead of the Silent treatment:
  • "I'm feeling too upset to talk right now. Let's discuss this in a few hours."

• Instead of Getting Distracted:
  • "I feel myself getting distracted. Can we move this conversation to the room where I can better focus?”

Communication isn’t about getting it perfect; it’s about getting more mindful, one conversation at a time. As you start using these phrases, notice how even small shifts in your language can create more safety, more clarity, and more connection. And I don’t just mean in your romantic relationships, but in friendships, work dynamics, and even the way you talk to yourself.

You don’t have to do this alone. If you’re ready to go deeper, heal the patterns behind the words, and communicate from a place of truth and emotional regulation... I’d love to support you. Because when we learn to speak from our wisdom, not our wounds, everything changes. Below are a couple of opportunities to help you change the way you're communicating and showing up in your life!

Upcoming Event!

Belief Reset Workshop (Virtual)

 At this workshop, you’ll uncover the hidden belief quietly running your life, release it using science-backed techniques, and replace it with one that supports your goals, so you can create results faster and with less struggle. This isn’t just mindset “fluff.” We’re combining the latest in cognitive psychology, neuroscience, and somatic tools to help your brain and body feel safe enough to change. By the end of our time together, you’ll:

• Spot your core limiting belief in real time
• Understand where it came from and why it’s been so hard to shake
• Release it using proven techniques backed by science
• Install a new empowering belief that feels authentic and achievable
• Leave with a tool you can use anytime to recondition your mind

🎟️Save Your Spot🎟️

Mini Course on Mindful Communication

Start speaking in a way that fosters more connection.

Here's what's inside:

• Lesson 1: Choosing the Right Words
• Lesson 2: Addressing Behavior without Criticism
• Lesson 3: Body Language
• Lesson 4: Listening to Understand
• Lesson 5: How You Say it Matters
• Lesson 6: Staying Out of Judgment
• Lesson 7: Don't Take it Personally
• Lesson 8: Responding vs Reacting

➡️ Check it out here