Anything You Can't Say 'Thank You' for is Baggage.
Imagine if your emotional baggage was visible for the world to see, like it is when you're traveling through the airport? No thanks, haha. Well, what you may not realize is that your emotional baggage IS visible...it just manifests in different ways that don't look like suitcases.
Last week, I found myself in a room with only 9 other people, watching Dr. John Demartini, a world-renowned human behavior specialist who's spent over 40 years developing methods for dissolving emotional baggage, reframing the past, and awakening your purpose.
At this intimate event, one lucky person, let's call them "Alex," was able to work through some resentment they were carrying about their divorce for two decades. Their former friend had betrayed their confidence, and their marriage imploded. They'd been stuck in a victim story ever since.
In addition to that, Alex shared that they were terrified of success. They had this fear that, anytime they tried to shine, someone would tear them down. This was a pattern that has kept them small and playing it safe with their career.
Now, I know this methodology works; I use these techniques with my clients. But watching Dr. Demartini wield it with surgical precision? That was like watching an artist mold something right in front of you. I was taking notes feverishly, scribbling in my notebook. And in less than an hour, I watched Alex let go of 20 years of emotional baggage.
Here's exactly how he did it and why this matters for anyone stuck in their own story of betrayal, disappointment, or "why me?"
Left: Chris Do, Futur Pro Podcast -- Right: Dr. John Demartini, Human Behavior Specialist
Step 1: He Narrowed the Issue
No long narratives. No victim stories. No "and then this happened, and then that happened." Dr. Demartini cut through all of it: "What specific act are you judging? Name the exact moment."
Why this works: Our brains, more specifically, our EGO, love to create elaborate stories to justify our emotions. And this story is what gets us into trouble! You cannot transform if you are stuck in the spiderweb of a story. But transformation happens when we get laser-specific about what we're actually holding onto, the facts, the observations (not evaluations).
Try this: Instead of "they hurt me," ask "what exact behavior am I judging?"
Step 2: He Turned the Mirror Inward
Then came the uncomfortable question: "Where in your life have you done the same thing?" Alex's first response? "I can't think of any."
His response? "They are there. We'll wait. It's time for accountability."
And they did find some instances. Five different times where Alex had undermined someone, exposed their secrets, or tried to bring them down. Same behavior, different circumstances.
Why this works: What we judge in others is always a disowned part of ourselves. When we reclaim those parts, the emotional charge dissolves.
Try this: Ask yourself, "How have I done this exact behavior?" Keep looking until you find it.
Step 3: He Uncovered the Hidden Benefits
This is where the magic happened. For every painful event, he asked: "How did this serve you?" Too often, our brain focuses on how it HARMED us and stays there. But with enough zoomed-out perspective, we can find meaning in the things we did "not want." That job you got fired from, the girlfriend/boyfriend who cheated on you, the event that got cancelled, etc. It's not a natural inclination for us to think, "How did this serve me?" when we are in our pain and disappointment.
He walked Alex through seven areas of life and asked them to find a benefit for each one.
- Career: They stepped out of their spouse's shadow and reclaimed their own power
- Financial: Settlement money, their own house, kids' college funds
- Social: They got rid of fake friends and attracted aligned people
- Physical: Got back in shape, rebuilt their self-image and confidence
- Family: Became more present with their children
- Spiritual: Reclaimed their wholeness and authenticity
- Intellectual: Learned not to sacrifice themselves for others' happiness
And when Dr. Demartini asked Alex to put a "price tag" on these benefits...they said priceless.
Our subconscious mind is always working for our highest good, even when our conscious mind can't see it. When we find the benefits (not just the bad stuff), we complete the puzzle and climb out of the victim narrative.
Try this: For any painful event, ask "How did this serve my growth in each area of my life?"
Step 4: He Collapsed the Fantasy
The breakthrough question: "If they hadn't betrayed you, what would be the drawback in your life today?"
Alex realized they'd still be living in their spouse's shadow, financially dependent, surrounded by people who weren't really their friends, and trapped in a marriage that wasn't serving their growth. The betrayal they felt from the friend wasn't the problem. It actually ended up being the solution they didn't know they needed.
Why this works: Our minds love to create alternate realities where we weren't hurt. A mentor once said to me...instead of asking, 'Why did this happen TO me?" start asking, 'Why did this happen FOR me?" It's the difference between being a victim of our story and being the author of our transformation. Eckhart Tolle also has his own version of this that I love:
"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment.”
Too often, our Ego wants to resist whatever is happening if it's not in alignment with the fantasy we had in our mind of how things were "supposed to happen."
Try this: Ask "If this painful event hadn't happened, what opportunities would I have missed?"
Step 5: He Anchored It with Gratitude
Then came the final question: "If Stacy (the friend who betrayed Alex) and your ex were sitting in front of you right now, what would you say to them?"
Without hesitation, Alex said the words out loud: "Thank you."
Not because the betrayal was "good." But it catalyzed their growth in ways they never could have imagined.
An Important Note
This isn't about excusing harmful behavior or pretending abuse didn't happen. Some experiences, like violent crimes or systemic oppression, are real violations where you did nothing to "cause" it. In those cases, it’s not about “owning your part.” I think about what holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl discovered while reflecting on his time inside the concentration camps:
"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way."
"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."
So, while we can’t always choose our circumstances, we can choose how we relate to them. We can choose the meaning we make, the perspective we carry forward, and the way we let them shape us.
Too many of us are carrying resentments that are quietly running our lives. They're in our subconscious, shaping our decisions, keeping us small, and attracting more of what we don't want.
Simply put...the stories we tell ourselves about our past become the blueprint for our future.
But when we can genuinely say "thank you" to our pain...when we can see how it served our growth...we get to embody the second part of the quote I shared in the beginning by Dr. Demartini:
"Anything you CAN say 'thank you' for becomes fuel."
The question isn't whether you've been hurt. The question is: How long will you let that hurt be the baggage that runs your life?
Ready to transform your own emotional baggage into fuel?
When you're ready, here are a few ways we can work together:
- Breakthrough Session — One-hour private session to identify your unconscious patterns and create a clear path forward. [Learn more]
- Conscious Leadership Development — Team trainings or workshops for leaders ready to transform how they show up and communicate in the workplace. [Learn more]
- Mindless to Mindful Academy — Build your self-awareness and mindful communication skills. Join live monthly calls, download tailored content, and connect with like-minded individuals around the world. [Learn More]
